A Closer Look at the Inside of a Hogwarts Brain
by When-Words-Fail
Summary: Just a fic that I wrote up when I was bored one day. We get a closer look at the thoughts of members of all four houses as their patients is tested during the beginning feast! Contains confused!first years and sarcastic!Hufflepuffs. Please read the beginning note. It'll probably make things a lot less confusing than if you DON'T read to beginning note. Please R&R!


Note: Each house has a different character. The _italics_ are the thoughts of that person, and the "quotation marks" are things that that one person says. The person is answering questions/ conversing with another student from their own house. Each of the four house scenes take place in the Great Hall, after the house sorting, and all four house characters are speaking to first years because, I mean, come on, first years are so fun to mess with XD. This is just in case you get confused, because really, I'm a confusing person. Enjoy :).

...

A Closer Look at the Inside of a Hufflepuff's Brain.

 _Hey, I remember that girl! I met her on the train. Hang on, what's her name?_

"Oh, yeah, hey! Yeah, I remember you!"

 _God, what's your name?_

"Oh, nothing. What about you? How was your summer?"

 _This is awkward. Should I ask her what her name is? No, that might make her upset that I forgot. Man, I really should have paid attention to the sorting. God, think!_

"Really? That's so cool!"

 _Yeah, I really don't care, but I'm gonna pretend that I do. Mmm, this is really good pie. I wonder if they have- They_ do _have pudding! Thank you, Dumbledore!_

"Ouch, that must have hurt."

 _Please use your own name in a sentence, please use your own name in a sentence, please use your own name in a sentence ..._

"Oh no, I've never been there. It sounds cool, though."

 _No, it doesn't. It_ really _doesn't. Please stop talking so I don't feel awkward about not knowing your name anymore._

"Wow, that sounds beautiful."

 _You know what sounds even_ more _beautiful? If you would stop talking and let me eat my pudding in peace._

"Yeah, I wish I could've seen that."

 _I actually had a_ great _time at my grandmother's house this summer. Would you like to shut up and listen to me talk about it?_

"Oh, no, I'm not bored at all! Please, go on."

 _God, you're so boring. Stop talking. Stopstopstopstooooooooop talking._

"Yes, I _have_ seen that show!"

 _Finally, something worth talking about!_

"Definitely. Yes, no doubt."

 _Okay, it just got boring again. Oh, look, now she's talking about Slytherins. How fun._

"Oh, yeah, _so_ hot. Huh? Yes, I'd totally date him. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah."

 _Yes, I'm totally listening to you right now. Sooooo interested in what you have to say about the hot Slytherin over there. It's not like he's_ Draco Malfoy _, or anything. Oh, wait. He_ is _Draco Malfoy._

"Draco and Harry Potter as a couple? Yes!"

 _Now_ there's _something worth talking about!_

…

A Closer Look at the Inside of a Ravenclaw's Brain.

 _Alright, new year, new first years to bask in my smartness._

"Sure, go ahead."

 _Already a new one sitting right next to me. This should be fun._

"My opinions on the use of poisons on prisoners? I think they should."

 _Oh, I'm evil. What? That's actually a liable argument! Damn it, I'm supposed to be the one with the liable argument!_

"But they could always use the cure."

 _I don't care if they don't make it in time. I'm smarter than you, and that's final._

"Oh, I see your point. Good, then."

 _I'll let you win this round, little girl. I'm winning next time, though. My take on the latest Quidditch match? Psh!_

"They totally cheated! You could see one of the players muttering a spell under their breath."

 _It doesn't matter that there's no evidence that it was an actual spell! He still did it!_

"Someone got a picture of him doing it."

 _Oh, well, just because he was mouthing something about finding the snitch doesn't mean he didn't cheat!_

"Yeah, that's true."

 _Alright. Different conversation topic, please. Ah, a book. That I can do._

"Yes! I _have_ read that book! Well, almost to the end. I love the part when-"

 _Alright just cut me off in the middle of my sentence, why don't you._

"Oh, I hadn't read to that part yet."

 _Thanks! Thanks a lot! Thanks for spoiling the ending for me! I even told you I haven't read it to the end! You completely ruined the book for me!_

"It's fine, really. I kind of saw it coming. You know, it was so obvious that the guy who saved baby animals was evil. So saw it coming."

 _No! No, I didn't see it coming. It was a complete surprise, one that would have been better if I had_ read it _, girl who's name I don't know!_

"Oh, I just got something in my eye, that's why it's twitching. Let me just go to the loo. I'll be right back."

 _Alright, calm down. You're standing up now, you're about to leave the Great Hall and then you'll be fine._

"Oh, okay. Sure."

 _No! No, I do_ not _want you to come with me! Who does that, anyway! I want to go to the loo_ by myself _! God, you're annoying. Just stop talking to me!_

"I look like I'm going to kill someone? Haha, you're funny!"

 _Sleep with one eye open tonight._

"Harry and Draco? They'd be the cutest couple ever!"

 _That's the easiest question ever! What do you think I am, stupid? Ha!_

…

A Closer Look at the Inside of a Gryffindor's Brain.

 _Alright, time for the beginning feast. Oh, I'm sitting next to a first year, how nice._

"You're gonna love Gryffindor."

 _Yes, be in awe of me._

"Harry Potter? He's somewhere around here."

 _Why are we talking about him? Let's talk about me._

"No, I don't really know him personally. How do you like Hogwarts so far?"

 _He looks crestfallen. Oh well. He'll get over it._

"I thought the same thing when I saw it for the first time. Really big."

 _Oh, that sounds wrong. Haha!_

"What? No! I'm not laughing at you!"

 _Jeez, I can't tell him what I was laughing at..._

"Um, the teachers just seem to keep getting shorter every year! Ha... haha... _haha_... HAHAAH _HAHAHAHAHAH!"_

 _Okay, he looks terrified. Change the subject, quick! Gosh, okay, something to say... got it!_

"Slytherins. Slytherins are evil, don't talk to them."

 _Alright, nice change of topic. Oh, your brother is a Slytherin? Awkward._

"Well, not _all_ of them. You know, most of them are gits, but I'm sure your brother is cool."

 _Your brother is close friends with Draco Malfoy?_

"That's cool, only he's a bit of a prat, you know?"

 _Oh, that's such a tragedy. I hope his father rots in prison._

"Hm? Oh, I didn't say anything. I tend to mumble under my breath. Don't pay attention to it."

 _Again, no, I don't know Harry Potter personally, and I'm pretty sure you're only asking about him so you can tell your Slytherin brother and have him kill Harry._

"Oh, really? I would have never guessed."

 _That slimy Slytherin! How could Draco Malfoy have a crush on Harry Potter! That's absurd!_

"Right well- oh, there's Dumbledore, starting his speech! Of _course_ he's up there, you just can't see him. Direct your attention to the podium."

 _Stop being difficult and get the hint that I don't want to speak to you anymore._

"What? No- I mean, yes! Dumbledore _is_ invisible! Now, clap for him!"

 _Yes, embarrass yourself. Now everybody is staring at you!_

"No! I'm not laughing at _you_! I'm laughing at the people who are staring at you! Ha, hahah, _hahahahahah_ , _HAHAHAHAHAHAH!_ "

…

A Closer Look at the Inside of a Slytherin's Brain.

 _I hate everyone._

"What do you want?"

 _Gee, I'm_ so _scary. Yeah, quiver in fear, first year. Uh huh. Just sit down._

"Hm?"

 _Pass the salt. I'll pass the salt._

"Sorry."

 _Sorry, not sorry. Not my fault you didn't duck in time._

"Oh, stop crying. It was an accident!"

 _Yes, such an accident. I apologize profusely._

"It's only _salt_."

 _I had to deal with pepper when I was a first year, so stop whining, you insufferable-_

"Merlin! You little-"

 _What? He spilled pumpkin juice all over me! He deserved the hex!_

"I'm very sorry."

 _There. Happy now, Snape?_

"Five points?!"

 _Really? That hex was_ so _not worth five points! You've gone mad, Snape! I didn't even_ try _!_

"Yes, sir."

 _Bloody git._

"It's not even a strong hex..."

 _Merlin, here comes Snape again._

"No, sir, I didn't say anything."

 _Yeah,_ leave _._

"Thanks a lot."

 _It most certainly was_ not _my fault!_

"You're the one who spilled pumpkin juice all over me."

 _Salt isn't even that bad_.

"You should've ducked faster."

 _Yeah, just sulk and pout and maybe your mum will sense your suffering and take you away._

"Who? Oh, that's Draco Malfoy."

 _Why is he staring at the Gryffindor table?_

"Beats me."

 _Shut up. Stop asking your annoying questions that have obvious answers._

"I don't think so."

 _Shut up, shut up, shut up. Shuuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuuuuupppppp._

"Harry Potter? He's a bit of a prat, if you ask me."

 _I'm a prat, too?_

"You didn't duck in time!"

 _Oh, I'm_ so _sorry I hexed your foot. My sincerest apologies._

"Oops. My hand slipped. Sorry."

 _You wont be able to try out for Quidditch?_

"Not with _that_ attitude you won't. Stop whining. Just go to the infirmary, you big baby."

 _That's right, limp away pathetically._

"Malfoy? What are you- oh! Oh, Merlin! Stop, no, ahhh, my eyes! _Stop snogging Potter_!"

 _Someone please Obliviate that image from my head._

…

 _A/N:_

Heh. Fun. So, how'd you people like it? I've had this written for a while, just haven't really thought about posting it cause, you know, it's kinda silly, and maybe a bit stereotypical, but this is supposed to be a short little ficlet for your entertainment, so none of these characters are what I actually think kids from the four houses are like, if that makes any sense. So, please review, cause it makes me happy!

For those of you who follow The Art of Silence, the next chapter should, I hope, be posted soon. I'm not making any promises, because I honestly don't know when I'm in the mood for writing. I have those periods when I'm just not feeling it, and those can last _a whole lot of time_. Let's just say, the longest has been about four weeks, while I usually try to post every week. I've been on vacation for the past two weeks, and hopefully my fingers feel like writing so I can post soon. Anyway, please REVIEW, cause it makes me happy. Thank you!

Stereotypes Annoy Me,

When-Words-Fail.


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